Broken: October 30, 2016

HOW IT BEGAN

On September 1, 2011, the first day of high school was when I first met Jay. I remember meeting him through a group of our mutual friends. On that day, I was wandering around my community along with a few of my friends. Then, a conversation about the meaning of “143” came about. It was not a secret to me that “143” also stood for “I Love You”. However, when the topic was brought forth, none of my friends knew what it meant. I remember being stunned at this discovery, for I thought it was common sense, and popular public knowledge that “143” also meant “I Love You”. With this conversation, a heated argument rose between my friends and I. The aftermath of this argument led me to challenging my friends. My challenge was simple: to ask the next person or group we come across, and ask them if they knew what “143” meant.

I swear, it must be destiny what happened next, for the next group we ran into was Jay’s. As it turns out, my friends were acquainted with some of the people in Jay’s group. After expressing their warm greetings to each other, my friends eventually asked Jay’s group the question, “what does 143 mean?” To my surprise, only one person in that group knew the answer, and that person turned out to be Jay. During that time, when Jay excitedly answered, “143 means I Love You “, I felt a spark, a connection none like any other… a feeling that made me believe his presence in my life will become very relevant… The following few days, I discovered that Jay and I go to the same high school. I also learned that Jay is in his last year of high school, and that he was 2 years older than me. For the next few days of high school, Jay never stopped chasing me, until he knew my cellphone number and name … and that was the start of our beautiful love story. Ever since then, I fell deeply, and madly in love for him. In the past 5 years, he became my first love, best friend, and confidant.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE

In today’s generation, true and lasting love is so difficult to find. During the 5 years I spent with Jay, I honestly thought that he was “the one“. I already had our future planned out. My dreams always included him in the picture, and my goals were always planned to match his. We even went as far as thinking about our babies’ names, and what it would be like to have our first house. I really thought that he was going to be my husband … I even imagined how my name would sound like as I carry his last name. THEN, THIS HAPPENED. At some point during the past 5 years, WE thought we had it all FIGURED OUT. But of course, like most relationships, ours came to crash and our love fell apart. To be more specific, HE fell out of love, I did not.

Five years later, Jay is now a grown man working for an aerospace company, while I am still attending university as a business student. Our individual lives are very stressful and quite a handful. However, with our busy schedules we strived to always spend time together. I thought we were doing well in our 5 years of relationship. Eventually I realized that we were doing it wrong. I guess it’s safe to conclude that we fell into a redundant routine. A monotonous schedule wherein almost everyday after work and school we would always spend it together. We even shared the weekends in each other’s company, and the time left to allocate for our friends and family were trimmed down. We became INSEPARABLE. We forgot to spend time to OURSELVES. As individuals, we lost track of who we are. Jay and I were so focused on each other, that we forgot to focus on ourselves … and that’s partially why things started to fall out of place.

Although I must admit this, I did not regret spending so much of my time with him. His presence in my life was my joy. I knew that I loved him more than he loved me back. Jay was always my top priority and I would do almost anything for his happiness. His happiness was my happiness too, and I do not regret anything I’ve done for him … no matter how much of it destroyed me. The only thing I do regret: is not giving him enough space and time in order to enable him to work and focus on himself.

Another aspect of our relationship that led to its downfall is our age. Jay and I are both fairly young, Jay being 23 years old, and I, being 21 years old. Due to the fact that we met in high school, our life experiences of past relationships, ex-girlfriends, and ex-boyfriends, are very small. We did not really have a wild array of past relationships before entering into our relationship. We were each others’ first love. In fact, we did a lot of FIRSTS together. Since we are so young, I understand how Jay feels the need to explore. I remember his reasons for breaking up with me and they are: a need for freedom, a need for space, and a chance to meet new people. Those 3 things requires the elimination of my presence in his life … and that is what broke my heart. However, I do understand his need to rediscover himself, but the only problem is: I just can not live without him. Him and I had been together for a long time. We’ve seen each other grow through difficulties, and surpassed countless failures. We have been there for each other in our individual lowest points, and highest peaks. All that we had been through, are the reasons why it is so difficult for me to let him go.

On October 13, 2016, I received the saddest phone call of my life. For the past few days leading to October 13, 2016, I had been experiencing nightmares and negative intuitions about our relationship. To my nature, I assumed my dreams were warning me of Jay lying and hiding something relevant from me. My instincts were telling me that Jay was being unfaithful and that he was seeing other women too. To disapprove and remove these untrustworthy thoughts out of my head, I asked him about it. Jay assured me multiple times that he was being honest and loyal. I believed his words, however the uneasy feeling remained. On October 13, 2016, at 8:00 pm, Jay called me and told me that he wanted to break-up.

I was caught off guard. I did not see that coming. I knew something was WRONG. But I did not know it was this BAD.

During the call, Jay explained to me that he does not love me anymore. He said, “I fell out of love for you, about 6 months ago.” The tears were streaming down my face, I asked him, “WHY?” He continued to explain that he had been feeling this way for a long time now, and that he is finally brave enough to let me know. HE WAITED 6 MONTHS TO TELL ME THAT HE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE. During the past 6 months he claims that he was just acting, pretending, and faking his emotions for me… Which made me question the authenticity of our memories during those 6 months. My world shattered into a million fucking pieces. I was emotionally dead… because I STILL LOVE HIM.

That night I could not just bear with the break-up through a phone call. So, I drove to his house and we talked even more. By the end of it, we came to an agreement to give each other a break for sometime. However, there is one big problem. That break did not last for too long. The following day, we succumbed to our weakness and decided to work things out together, as A COUPLE. We carried on the next week working our relationship out.

October 27, 2016, the REAL BREAK-UP CALL. At this point, I started forcing myself to believe that everything was fine. But deep down I knew that it was not fine. On October 27, 2016, Jay made the call again … the same phone call … asking to break up … because he does not love me anymore. HE WANTED HIS FREEDOM. I drowned myself in sorrow, because I knew that was the last draw of our relationship. There is no way to save US, and if there is … IT WAS NOT GOING TO BE EASY. The following days, a part of me was still clinging to the possibility of him coming back to my life. I was hoping and praying that he would change his mind in the next few days, like he did the last time … I just really wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted my joy back. I wanted him back.

The next I heard of Jay, was on October 30, 2016. I gave him a call just to check on him, and make sure he was holding himself well. This is the call wherein ALL of my prior suspicions were answered. This call was the most painful one. HE ADMITTED TO CHEATING ON ME. HE DID HAVE SOMEONE NEW. Jay claims that he does not talk to her anymore, and they only spoke to each other as friends. In addition, he said that nothing “sexual” ever happened between them. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT. This call is quite important because this call made me realize, that I’m done with wanting him back. I feel the need to receive in return the love that I give. Now, I know, that Jay is not the man to give me that love. I’ve always loved him, more than I’ve ever loved me. And that is not fair.

Jay and I plan on meeting some time in the near future to complete our closure. There are also many questions that I want to be answered in person … not through a phone call or text. I’ll be writing a follow up post about our meeting … if I feel the need to do so.

LESSONS

There are 3 key lessons I hope everyone takes away from this: take your time in relationships, do not forget to love yourself more than anyone, and always tell the truth.

1.) Take your time with falling love. There’s no rush.

2.) Focus on you. Remember your beauty and all your assets. Never let your love for someone be bigger than your self-love.

3.) DO NOT FUCKING LIE. Your partner does not deserve dishonesty.

Sincerely,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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