April 27, 2017
6 months ago, my heart broke for the first time. Throughout the months leading to this day, I had gone through a lot. My life changed after that breakup and the woman I am today is not the same woman as I was on October 27th, 2016.
There is no such thing as perfection in life. However, we should always strive to be the perfect version of ourselves. In the past relationship that I had invested 5 years of my life in, I lost track of who I really was. It would be completely unfair of me to blame the failure of our relationship solely on him. I too, had my flaws, and I too, am still working to improve those flaws. One lesson that I did learn throughout my heartbreak is how we often have to experience pain in order to grow.
A flower doesn’t live through the winter, but it surely blossoms in the spring.
I fell deeply in love with someone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with experiencing love. Although, he wasn’t able to reciprocate my love for him, he still taught me so much about life before, during, and after the breakup. Who I am today is heavily shaped by the pain he brought forth on me. The breakup made me realize all the endless possibilities I could achieve, the dreams I had forgotten, the goals I want to attain, the places I want to visit, the people I want to keep and cherish in my life, and many more. The breakup was ultimately what I needed to remind myself of who I really am and who I want to be.
6 months later…
The pain still exists. I still think about him a bit too much at times and a little less by the day. For now, I can confidently say that I am healing and improving. One key realization that I had post-breakup is that I really need to love myself more. I have this preexisting problem within myself, and it’s my unconscious ability to give too much love, attention, devotion, and care for someone without leaving enough love for me. I fell in love too hard and too much of my love was given only for him… and not enough love was saved for myself.
This lack of self-love was the reason why I flawed the relationship too, because how do you expect someone to love you when you can’t even love yourself.
We all have our reasons for living. We make our own decisions due to the reasons we create and the reasons we choose for ourselves. What are your reason for behaving in such ways? What are the reasons why you’re happy? Your reasons to live? Your reasons to grieve? Reasons why you fell? And the reasons why you keep on living despite it all… all of these can only be answered by you. 6 months later, I finally understood my reasons to continue growing and to believe in falling in love again.
I need to grow because life will continue with or without my willingness to cultivate my soil. I am a seed that had been through a lot. Many droughts and no sunshines. But after it all, I will sprout from the dirt and eventually turn into a beautiful flower with yellow petals. I will blossom. My growth will be remarkable and all eyes will notice. Just like my heart, the flower from within me will continue to grow. Blossom, because you are all that is beautiful in the world. Blossom, because I believe in your beauty. Blossom, because a seed will eventually grow into a flower at some point.
I need to keep on believing in love because being a pessimist is not in my nature. Love truly destroyed multiple areas of my being, but one thing a broken heart did not destroy is my belief in true love. Currently, I am still searching for the right person to come and sweep me off my feet and lead me to falling in love all over again. I have no idea who my next lover will be, but I do know one thing… someone out there is praying desperately to love someone like me… just like I am praying to have someone deserving of my love. Dear “NEXT LOVER”, whoever you are, please take your time in finding me. I’m still growing, and I need to grow at my own pace. Don’t rush love… love will come find US soon.
As of this day, my priorities does not revolve around “dating”, “relationships” or “finding a partner”. I am more focused on my personal growth in school, career, friends, family, and self. IF I am not a better person 6 months from now (October 27, 2017 to be exact), then I will not make any rooms for a committed relationship. I promise you this right now, if I haven’t experienced enough self growth after a full year of being “single” I definitely will not settle into another relationship again. I’ll take the next 6 months to keep on growing… to keep on healing… to keep on improving my flaws… I’ll be better, not for anybody else, but for myself.
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.