April 17, 2017
In 10 days, on the 27th of April 2017, marks the 6th month of me being “single”. Even though I still feel the heartache from time to time, I am definitely in a better place than I was then. I took the past 6 months to grow and to heal. Even though the process was difficult, I took a little time to heal myself and be better.
How did I do it? Trust me, it was not easy… but if you’re willing to follow my footsteps and regain control of your life again, I’ll tell you how. Here’s the steps to healing after a “terrible/miserable/depressing” breakup:
Cry it all out. You’re allowed to be sad and to be weak… to feel betrayed… to feel hurt… to feel lost. Sometimes, there is no better feeling than the feeling of crying the sadness out. Those tears will not stop from flowing out, so why force it? Everyone cries, and when something beautiful ends, there’s no shame in crying your heart out. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll tell you a fun fact. Did you know that elephants can die from a broken heart? If it hurts so much that death feels like an alternative, just remember to cry it ALL out. The tears will remind you that you’re still alive. Elephants may die from a broken heart, but you won’t. Your tears will keep on flowing… your tears will signify your pain and that your heart is still beating. Let your soul grieve. Pain is a part of life and pain is felt by those who are still living… you’re still alive and that breakup did not kill you at all.
2.) Slowly Get Up
You can’t cry and mope forever. At some point you need to pick yourself up. Get up and pick up “your” pieces, whichever ones you still have left and start searching for any of the pieces you lost. For some, “getting up” will take as short as a month, and some may even take a full year or two. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get yourself together, as long as you do. We all heal at different paces and healing is a process… so take your time… don’t rush it. Eventually, I just hope you remember to get up.
Start by listening to happier songs, eating healthier (no more chocolates, junk foods, and chips), invite a friend for coffee or brunch (just get out of your room), spend time with your family a little bit more (Again, just get out of your room, being alone will just make you feel even more sad), SLEEP EARLIER (choose to sleep and rest… and a little less of those late nights crying, please), take a walk at the park (a fresh breath of air will calm your mind), exercise (my favourite diversion from the pain), treat yourself to something nice (buy a new top? a necklace? bracelet? a trip?)… it really doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you JUST GET UP!!!!
3.) Set Goals
Setting high goals for yourself will benefit you in many ways. For one, setting goals will become your distraction. Your mind will be so focused and diverted towards accomplishing all your goals, that it will actually help you to slowly heal. Use your goals as a reason to move forward. Let your goals become another way of you forgetting the pain. Through my own healing journey, I set goals which made me feel complete again. You see, during a relationship we tend to let go of ourselves and lose track of our dreams. Due to the many lost dreams and goals we had forgotten while in a relationship, a part of ourselves dies too. Being “single” is truly liberating, because you have the opportunity to not only regain yourself, but also work towards achieving your own goals. (Goals which you may had never achieved prior to being in a relationship or goals which you just couldn’t accomplish because you were in a relationship) Through setting your own goals and dreaming bigger, you reclaim a lost part of you… and eventually, you start turning into a better you.
4.) Accomplish Your Goals
The goals you strive to accomplish will make you better, stronger, wiser, and lead you to feeling more like “you” again. It’s important that you accomplish your own personal goals first, before entering yet another relationship. Take this period of independence as a time to improve… a time to grow… It’s not only a time to heal, it’s also a time for you to attain all your dreams!!! Wouldn’t you want your next “boo” to be proud of all that you had accomplished? Wouldn’t you want your next “boo” to meet the best version of “you”, and not some deteriorating, dull, dreamless, and subpar version of “you”? The more goals you accomplish will lead to more growth and will result towards you being better and better. Strive towards being better, because “failing” and becoming “worse” is not an image you want to show your EX. My GOD, don’t let your EX have the upper hand now!!! Make him/her regret losing you through being successful, happy, and by being BETTER. (Be better than him/her, and make sure his/her next “boo” will have a tough time competing and comparing herself/himself to you).
5.) Refuse the Urge to Call/Text/See HIM or HER
When a relationship ends, we all have this fantasy of rekindling what we lost, thus we go back to the past. Here’s a fair warning, missing your EX will definitely affect you during your healing process. I too, had made a few drunk calls, a few lonely night texts, a few intentional sappy posts, and many more, all of these just to reach him. Was it worth it? To some extent yes… He will always have a place in my heart and his memory will never fade. I will genuinely have care for him for the rest of my life… but throughout my healing process, I’ve realized that “going back” to my past is not the best way for me to go (at least not yet, or perhaps never). Him and I didn’t work out then, and if we don’t make radical changes to ourselves, the failure of our first relationship will just repeat itself. Therefore, before you even think about texting/calling/visiting your EX, make sure that you understand the line between “just friends” and “wanting more”.
I hate to tell you this, but your relationship ended for a reason. If it was meant to be, and if all was working well, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now… because you’d still be IN THAT RELATIONSHIP! It ended, and there’s no “going back” to it now… not yet... and for some, “going back” together will NEVER BE AN OPTION. Like I’ve said before, you and your EX need to do some radical changes before “going back” to it again. By then, if the time is right, if the feelings are still there and the potential of “falling in love again” is still there, then second chances can be granted. UNTIL THEN, don’t make that call or text. If you’re not a better person and if he/she IS STILL THE SAME, don’t do it!! Resist all urges of contacting your EX, it will increase the rate of your healing process 100 times faster…. believe me.
6.) Keep Focusing on YOU
To the weaklings, like myself, who made those regrettable drunk calls and lonely night texts, and even talked to their EXs shortly after a breakup, this step is for you. You see, we made the dumb mistake of “revisiting” our EXs so quickly after a breakup… and at this point, we find ourselves lost again. After trying to “work” things out with your EX and failing yet again, you’ll find yourself wounded and hurt just like you were in Step 1. Only difference is, you had at least made some progress by now… and with that, you should keep going!!! The little hurdles life throws at you should not stop you from pushing towards a better YOU! Yes, we are human, and YES, we will keep making dumb relationship mistakes… and that shouldn’t stop you from understanding your worth and your value. Those little obstacles along the way of your healing process should be defeated. If you stumble and fall again, just keep getting up!! It’s better to fall and to learn, than to fall and not learn. So, with each silly mistake you make, I hope you learned something from it and I hope it will help you an inch closer towards being better. Focus on you boo, keep going, keep pushing. I believe in you.
7.) Spend More Time with Your Family and Friends
At this point, hopefully you had already figured out that going back to your past is a complete waste of your time… and thus you should only be giving your attention to those people who truly matters in your life: your family and friends. These are the people who you should be spending more time with!!! You don’t need him/her!! You have a support system to help you heal!!! There are people out there like your mom and your best friend who only wants the best for you. Why do you wish to push these people away, when they’re the ones you should really value more. Gather some strength from them, because they will be more than happy to support you and to help you become better. Don’t go back to the past, because some people in your life deserve to be left alone in the past. Your future should only consists of people with pure love and kind intentions for you.
8.) Recreate Your Life
Still feeling vulnerable and incomplete? Maybe it’s time for you to try something new. Recreating your life can be as simple as trying a new hobby, and eating differently. Maybe it’s time for you to try rock climbing or try going Vegan for a month. I don’t want you to feel a void in yourself, because I know how that void feels… it’s an eerie feeling lurking from deep within. How I controlled and defeated this void was through recreating my life. I am not the same person as I was in October 2016. I made some remarkable changes, and for the most part they’re all positive changes. Sometimes, to bury the past deep into the ground, you need to start digging and filling that space with something new.
9.) You Don’t Miss HIM/HER
At this point, you will be roughly 60% to 70% healed. You’re not completely healed yet, but now the thought of that person is more bearable and less painful. Around Step 9 is where you will start to feel better about yourself and your past is starting to finally make sense. All those tears you cried, all those stupid calls you made, all those new hobbies you picked up… all of it are finally starting to make sense!
YES – you still miss that person, but NO- you definitely don’t want to “go back” to him/her now. At this point, you will understand you’re worthy of real love and deserving of someone’s complete attention, loyalty, and trust, knowing that you will reciprocate all of these for that special person. In Step 9, you will slowly understand that you really don’t need your EX in your life… and you really don’t miss that person… You will finally understand that you only miss “the happy times of the relationship” but you also don’t want to fall back to the “bad times”. Therefore, the feeling of “missing” that person turns more as a memory than a desire to “go back”.
Think about this for a second, why should you “miss someone” who clearly doesn’t miss you. You’re a better being without that person in your life… so why “go back” when you’re finally making progress and healing yourself!?! I hope you allow him/her to miss you… At this point, you only miss the memories you had with your EX… not the person themselves. At this point, I know that all you want to do is to find ways on being better. You’re healing and that’s exactly all you need to do for the time being.
“YOU DON’T MISS THEM, AND YOU DEFINITELY WILL BE FINE WITHOUT THEM TOO.”
10.) Keep Going
Plain and simple, you’re doing so good… keep going. If your EX and YOU ever cross paths in the future, only then will you know if second chances can occur. But for now, keep going and don’t look back.
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.