May 8, 2017
It makes me sad to reflect upon my past and the people whom I used to hold the dearest in my heart. Particularly, I had been thinking a lot about the last person I loved dearly. I often find myself questioning all the endless possibilities of what we could had been… All the potential we had… And all the dreams I hoped for which had him in it.
I know we ended for a reason, for a deep purpose, and perhaps, it’s for the better.
“In all honesty, I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss your company. I miss your humour. I miss your sarcasm. I miss your family. I miss your touch. I miss all of you… Above all, I miss US and everything that we used to be.”
Regardless of how much I miss you and long for you, these are still not enough reasons for me to forgive you. You destroyed me in the most painful possible way. A big part of me died when you did all the terrible things you did… all the lies, the betrayals, the harsh rejection, the pain… all of these shattered me. Many months after, I’m still repairing myself from all the areas you destroyed and recovering from all the torn places you left behind. I’m still pathetically picking up the crumbs of my being, and rebuilding a stronger foundation for myself.
Yet you still had the fucking audacity to interrupt my current peace of mind through an overdue “I’m sorry” text, many, many, many months later.
“What was the purpose of sending me that text on a random Sunday night? What did you want? We already had enough closure and you had clearly moved on. SO, PLEASE, TELL ME, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
Isn’t it frustrating, how each time you finally think you’re about ready to take another step forward, your past haunts you back. In the past, each time my EX would come around through the slightest of ways such as a text or call, I would always respond and allow him back in. Each time I reply to his random texts, they all end in the same way… ending to me feeling broken, cheated, used, and hurt once again. I’ve made this mistake of entertaining him way too many times, but not this time.
This time, I’m strong enough to keep going and move forward. I’m finally strong enough to ignore him. I’ve grown to understand that it will end in the same way as it always does… ending to me being too attached… and him not giving enough and wanting less. So why fucking bother. I’m tired of this cycle.
You see, an important lesson which I learned throughout my healing journey is that my peace of mind is very important to my well-being. I’d rather be at peace with myself than to be in total chaos in the company of someone I love. I’d rather be happy and at peace alone, than to be in the company of someone who interrupts my peace of mind. I’ve learned that if you can’t be happy within the confines of your own being, then there is absolutely no way that you will find happiness from someone else. So, please, do yourself a favour, and put yourself FIRST… always.
Do what is right for you and your peace of mind. If it will destroy your inner peace and awaken your inner demons, then don’t do it. Even if it kills you, learn how to handle the pain in order to maintain your inner peace. It may hurt so much right now, but in the long run it will create a stronger you and lead towards a happier you. Eventually, you will realize that you don’t need anyone to be happy, your happiness solely depends on you. On that Sunday night, it honestly killed me to ignore his text and it took every inch of my will power to ignore his text – But I did it, because I knew that I can’t go back to suffering that pain anymore. At this time, I should only focus on healing and moving forward.
To the broken,
Be strong for yourself, because you’re all that you need at this moment. Protect your peace of mind because the chaos will only keep you insane. I believe that you are strong enough to choose yourself, so please, go ahead and do it… choose wisely, and I hope you choose yourself.
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.