June 13, 2017
Last Sunday I suffered another giant emotional breakdown which resulted to a late night parking lot conversation under the rain, followed by a plate of nachos in Denny’s at 2:00 am. My companion: someone who has changed my perspective on relationships, and he is also someone who I truly adore at this given time. However, this post is not about introducing this “new individual”, rather, this post is about why we ended up in a school parking lot, on a rainy Sunday night, with my tears streaming down my face while his hand was tightly holding mine. This post is a story about how one individual taught me how to truly let go of my past love and lectured me on how to finally move on.
On the hours prior to my emotional breakdown, I somehow found myself lurking around my EX’s Instagram account. I might as well add that this is NOT the first time I creeped my EX’s Instagram account since our breakup. I often find myself casually “checking” my EX’s page from time to time. As I opened my EX’s profile, I found pictures that turned my whole mood upside down and left me in total disarray. I’ve seen pictures of people I didn’t want to see. I was caught up in an ocean of anger, sadness, jealousy, betrayal, and many more unexplainable feelings. Due to this mix of emotional chaos, I broke down and transferred my emotional aggressions and frustrations to this “new individual” – let’s call him “J”.
J and I had been seeing each other for a few weeks before this emotional breakdown. Now, it’s important I mention all his attributes so that you would have a better understanding as to why my actions on that Sunday night were completely outrageous. He’s a charming gentleman, mature, responsible, smart, sweet, sincere, and incredibly kind. For the past few days leading to that particular Sunday, J and I were undeniably sharing a deep interest and attraction to each other. Everything between J and I were going along great and we were off to a great relationship beginning. But, after seeing what I saw on my EX’s Instagram profile our tranquility as a pair was threatened. Out of the blue, I gave J a panic call exclaiming to him how, “I want US to end”.
In his confusion for my profound and unexplainable behaviour, he asked for the reasons why I made such a sudden decision. You can’t really blame him for being bewildered because we had been having great time together before all my emotional commotion occurred. Therefore I told him, “I’m not ready for this [relationship] yet again, I’m clearly not over my EX yet”. Furthermore, he asked me why I still feel this way… It has been months since my breakup, yet I still get affected by my EX’s actions. My only response was an explanation of what triggered my emotions which can all be blamed to MY decision on creeping my EX’s Instagram account.
IT WASN’T SOCIAL MEDIA THAT CAUSED MY ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR AND UNCONTROLLABLE EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN – IT WAS ME.
Refusing to end the beautiful beginning we were having, J insisted we have a talk in person despite of how late the night was getting. Without any further hesitations, I agreed to having our talk in person and he drove over to my house within the next 20 minutes under a rainy June night. Our “talk” began shortly after he picked me up from my house and we drove straight to a quiet school parking lot nearby.
In all, J made me realize that social media “stalking” and “creeping” is one of the reasons why I can’t move on. I’m getting too caught up with what my EX is doing in his life, which is directly preventing me from living my own. You see, J rationalized my behaviour and the results of it through explaining that I placed myself in this emotional situation. It was my fault for lurking around too much. It was my fault for creeping too much. It was my fault for always spying on my EX. It’s my fault as to why I still can’t move on from my last relationship.
If I hadn’t been creeping my EX’s Instagram account on that Sunday night, then I wouldn’t have that particular conversation with J. If I didn’t “check” on my EX’s new posts, J and I wouldn’t have to deal with my delirious state of mind. If I refused to spy on my EX, then I wouldn’t have felt unworthy, unsatisfied, unloved, unappreciated or undeserving. These are the reasons why I need to stop social media stalking/spying/creeping/checking on my EX. I placed myself in this emotional state of mind. I caused this emotional wreck inside of me, simply because I still find myself lurking around my EX’s Instagram page.
Does it really matter who HE is dating now? Does it really matter what HE does? Does it really matter what HE posts? His life doesn’t involve me anymore. I’m only fooling myself by creeping too much. I’m only hurting myself by looking too much… and I can’t let this happen anymore. I need to move on.
In order to move on from the past, one must learn to take all the steps necessary to move on. In my case, I must learn to stop spying/creeping on my EX and focus more on me and my own relationships.
I almost lost a great guy that night… I’m glad he stayed and talked me out of making yet another dumb choice.
At that night, I realized how I must learn to move on, instead of holding on to the memories of my past. That Sunday, I realized how there are people out there willing to fight for me and who are willing to be a part of my life. I learned that I can’t fully let go of the memories from my past, however, I can create better memories with better people. I must learn to let people in, instead of pushing people away. J made me realize that I am wasting too much of my time worrying about other people’s lives, when I have a beautiful life of my own to live. From now on, J made me swear on how I should truly move on by living my own life and worrying less about my EX. I can’t keep losing track of my new relationships and new beginnings… remaining stuck in the memories of my past will not lead me to growth and self-fulfilment. Therefore, I must let go and move on.
No more social media stalking/spying/creeping/checking on my EX or on other irrelevant people. The ones who are truly meant to be a part of my life will be a part of MY social media accounts… I shouldn’t waste my time searching for “ghosts” in my life, because the real ones should already be surrounding me.
Through this, I hope you all learn from my mistakes. If blocking your EXs on social media is not your thing, then you should have the will power to resist the urge on lurking around your EX’s social medias. If you can, PLEASE BLOCK YOUR EX ON ALL YOUR SOCIAL MEDIAS. This will truly save you a lot of heartache and help you to move on faster. The only reason why my EX is still unblocked from my social medias, is simply because I know he’s viewing my life through my accounts and regretting each mistake he has made upon me.
Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.