To Stay or To Go? (A Cheater’s Confession)


August 2, 2017

Dear Readers,

Life is all a matter of choice. We are always given an option in times of uncertainty and unclarity. How we choose from the options presented to us, determines the likelihood of people staying or leaving in our life. One important lesson I learned in my 21 years of existence is that our behaviour controls who stays and who goes. Sometimes, without even knowing it, we tend to push away the people we love. At our worst days, we will find ourselves hurting the ones whom we oath to protect and cherish. We tend to act in ways we often don’t understand, yet the behaviour simply feels like the “right thing to do”. The glory of allowing the right people enter your life is a blessing, yet the struggle lies within the lines of your wanting to stay and yearning to go all at once.

This is a confession from a cheater’s point of view. This is the sad truth from a person in a committed relationship whom did the unthinkable and despicable act of cheating.

This is my tale.

My last relationship ended because of infidelity. I got cheated on and the pain destroyed me in all ways and forms. But I never really explored into my past in this blog. I had you all thinking that I had always been the “better person” – the girl who can only love and will never cheat. Well, my 16 year old self will be the contrary of that image you have of me. I cheated once and it taught me so much at such a young age. This is what I learned.

(The story of who, when, how I cheated is completely irrelevant at this point. I was too young and the person whom I cheated on is now a man of epic proportions… In so, I will give him his privacy out of respect)

You see, a person will cheat out of fear of losing someone dear, yet they still have an extreme desire of wanting more. In a relationship we are always given two options. These options determines the longevity or the end of a relationship. Once you’re committed into a relationship, you are always left with the questions of:

1.) To stay?

OR

2.) To go?

These are the questions that makes relationships a problem for most. Some people often feel trapped between those two questions. Not everyone has the will and desire to always stay. Not everyone will settle down and some will choose to go. But what happens to the ones who can’t choose between 1 or 2?

If a person can’t select an option between option 1 or option 2, they will create a 3rd option for themselves.

3.) Cheat.

I strongly believe the most common mistake an individual makes that ruins his/her relationship is cheating. It’s so easy to cheat. It’s so easy to lie. Yet, to a point those lies will haunt you and will cost you so much than you can ever imagine. Cheating will impact the way you behave around your partner. This sudden change of behaviour will let your partner know something is wrong. Eventually, no matter how much you try to hide your infidelities, your partner will find out one way or another. Your lies will always catch up on you. I learned this the hard way.

Once all my lies caught up on me, I lost someone whom I cared for at the time… I didn’t deserve his kind soul and I lost all of him. But now that I think about it, after being cheated on, I understand why he left. The pain I placed on him was my fault because I was too selfish to consider his feelings. But it wasn’t only selfishness that led me towards cheating. There was so much more into it.

I think that a person cheats because he/she don’t understand themselves. I also think that a person cheats because they don’t love themselves enough, therefore they seek love in those whom they think are capable of giving them the love they need. Another reason why I think some people cheat is simply because they’re weaker than most… it’s easier to cheat than to breakup with someone… cheating is just so much easier when you’re at a low point in your life. I cheated because I felt all of these.

At 16 years old, I understood the importance of loyalty and honesty in a relationship. I knew what I was doing was wrong… I knew that cheating was not how I would want my relationship to end, yet I did it because I felt trapped… like I had no other choice. 

But I had a choice.

I wished I never cheated, because no one deserves the pain of feeling like they aren’t good enough. I wish I never cheated, because no one deserves to feel like they can be easily replaced… like they aren’t worthy of respect and real love. I wish I never cheated so that I wouldn’t be carrying the guilt of cheating for many years after. I wish I was a better person then.

Now, I’ve experienced being in the end of both sides: the one who cheated, and the one who got cheated on. In my lifetime I had already selected two choices. I chose option, “2.) To go”,  after I got cheated on. But before that, I also made my own option, “3.) cheat”,  at a time wherein I wasn’t sure of myself. Now there’s one option left. As of right now, I choose to stay.

With love,

Mary Dezleigh Teodosio.

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